Backfire
by mousers
Summary: Australia's sick of this- who's England to tell him what to do? But when you're a little colony, you need a hand... luckily, America's up for some pranking. OC Australia. BTS. Twoshot.Rated for England's potty mouth.
1. Chapter 1

So! A little OC experiment! Little colony Australia (or New South Wales, as he should maybe be known, as I'm counting this kind of... 1772? So Alfred can be a bit of a big brother to the little guy XD) Anyway. So, America's not in the best of moods with England right now, as you'll probably know, and Australia's kind of... just being a rascal? More at the bottom, maybe I'll just leave you to actually read now...

* * *

The patter of small, boot-clad feet sounded through the hall. "Hey, America!" shouted a young Australian, trying to catch the older colony's attention. "America~!"

"What?" spat Alfred, with a bite he hadn't intended. He sighed and crouched in front of the brown-haired boy, who was holding his hands behind his back, as he stopped behind him. . "Sorry, buddy," he said sincerely, ruffling his already messy mop. "I've been kinda stressed lately…"

"No worries, mate," replied Zack, huge grin plastered across his face, only to fall before he continued seriously, "…but I want your help."

"Sure, what with?"

"I'm sicka that bloody pom England. Telling me what to do…" Alfred felt his stomach tighten. Was Australia thinking about independence too? Already…?

"Listen, kid…" he started warningly. "It's-"

"We gotta scare him…" interrupted Zack, mischievous smile creeping back onto his face, pulling his hands round, revealing a wooden box with a small hole in the lid. "And since he's not afraid of the dark or ghosts…" he very, very slowly went to take the lid off of the box, revelling in Alfred's anxious gaze, grinning wickedly. "We gotta use what we can…"

The lid was lifted, and, centimetre by centimetre, ever so slowly, quietly, dangerously, a long, hairy leg began to search for Zack's hand, and, limb by limb, a huge black spider edged itself from out of its cell, before the seemingly fearless young man dropped the box, holding it proudly.

"Wharra beaut!" he assessed lovingly. "What d'ya think?" he asked, pushing the creature into Alfred's face. The American gave a manly squeal and sprung back.

"Wh… where did you get it?!" he stammered, eyes glued to the beast now exploring its captor's wrist and lower arm.

"He's from back home! Fed him on bugs from outside 'cause I couldn't let him out of his box."

"Are you trying to kill us?!"

"Aw, he's not a biter…! Well, if he does, he's not poisonous, it's just the girls that are poisonous… I don't want England to kark it," he promised, trying to meet Alfred's eye, but the older colony was still chasing the spider with his stare, "…just teach him a thing or two about messing with me! C'mon, America…" he pined. "You just gotta make sure he stays outta the kitchen while I hide him. I'll only be a jiffy... she'll be apples!"

Alfred managed to tear his eyes away from the perfect specimen of sheer terror on the little Australian's arm and looked at the grin on his face, feeling one stretch across his own cheeks. "I guess… it would be quite funny…"

Looking as though he could wet himself with excitement and gratitude, Zack cried a hurried "… onya, Al, mate…!" and leapt at the American, arms wide, to hug him. He would have succeeded, too, had Alfred not screeched and dived out of the way of the spider flying toward his face.

--

"There I am, ready to spend my precious and very _valuable_ time preparing dinner for you all," ranted Arthur, waving his arms dramatically at his "children", who sat with their heads low at the table; Matthew genuinely sorry, although he was innocent, Alfred guilt-ridden for helping his little Australian friend land himself in such trouble, and somewhat-kind of-almost genuinely sorry, Zack pouting, avoiding the Englishman's gaze just as much as the other two suspects, "…and I find that due to an… _occurrence_ I can't continue. Would anyone care to venture a guess as to _what _I found in my kitchen while _preparing your evening meal_?!"

"Some decent food?" muttered Alfred, earning a half-way repressed snigger from Zack.

"No, you ungrateful little shit!" cried Arthur, silencing both the American and the Australian with the same whack against the back of their heads. "Who put the bloody massive spider in there?!"

"Massive spider…?" whimpered Matthew, looking quickly at his brother. "There was a massive spider… in the kitchen…? Near the food?" The Canadian groaned, thinking of the meals he wouldn't enjoy for the next few weeks.

"Who's… _thing_ was it?!" the elder among them asked Zack, very much aware of the boy's strange interest in dangerous… things. He didn't get an answer.

Zack started as a pot was thrown onto the table in front of him with a loud clang, and, upon inspection, found it to be covered in burnt food, stains and… bits of spider.

"You killed him?!" he cried after a beat, snapping his head up to look at Arthur, large olive green eyes wide, starting to cloud. "But… but I brought him from home! I caught _bugs_ for him! I looked after him! No fair, you narkie pom!" Traitor tears began to spill, and he wiped his face furiously.

"Then you shouldn't have left him in the kitchen! I don't care how long you had him, or where he came from., if he's near my food, in my house, I'll do what I need to!" Zack opened his mouth to protest, sniffed, and dropped his eyes to his knees again. "Now," continued Arthur, looking straight at the top of the his head. "There are the remains of a rather large spider in my kitchen and I don't see any reason why any of the rest of us should have to get rid of them."

"No! I don't wanna see him!" protested the boy, his breath hitching on a sob.

"Well, neither do we-"

"I'll get rid of it. It was my fault."

Three stares locked on Alfred, one teary, one in silent awe, and the other bewildered, growing slowly more angry.

"Pardon?"

"Zack told me not to touch the boxes in his room," explained the American steadily, nodding towards the whimpering boy beside him, "…but I was looking for something to read and I just couldn't help myself… his spider got out, but that's the only one I looked in 'cause it scared the crap outta me…" he shrugged before he turned to his indebted little friend. "I'm real sorry."

"You didn't mean it…" muttered Zack, once again swelling with gratitude, but suppressing it with another shaky breath.

Arthur cleared his throat. "Well, Alfred, you've succeeded in making me kill an innocent creature and in reducing a small boy to tears… I hope you're proud of yourself."

"Not particularly," he grumbled.

"Get moving, and I'll be damned if you'll be joining us for dinner tonight."

Alfred let out a heavy sigh and stood, walking to the kitchen, preparing himself for the image that would greet him. If there was going to be spider strewn throughout the food, he wasn't sure he wanted dinner.

…Though he had to admit (and he was sure Zack would agree), the thought of Arthur chasing an eight-legged beast around the room wielding an iron pot did seem to take the sting out of things.

* * *

Slang Translations:

**pom** - slang term for an English person

**to kark it** - to die (or to stop working, if you're talking about a thing)

**she'll be apples!** - everything'll be fine!

**onya!** - Good on ya! (Great! Thanks, that's awesome...etc etc)

**narkie** - easily annoyed, too short a temper, etc

I was going to use more, but Aussie slang is actually quite graphic... I love it, but Australia's only a kid here... XD

Well! I got to thinking about Australia's character the other day, and thought, "he'd be cocky, a bit loud, mischievous and overly-confident... but really friendly, and his heart is in the right place..." which reminded me a bit to much of a certain _someone_ (cough,cough_, Mr Jones _XD). Although I don't think he'd be quite as egotistical as Alfred, I still think they'd get on because they'd be so alike (apparently, America and Australia are alike IRL? I've haven't been to either, though, so ahdunno. o_o.)

Oh, and me and my friends were talking about what Australia's name would be the other day, and someone said "Zack" which just seemed to fit. I've also heard him being called Cody? (O_O I KNOW, /wrist XD) So, what do you think he should be called? Review with a suggestion, if you'd be so kind.

Anyway, thanks for reading! (Especially all the boring notes... -_-')

R&R, dumplings ~ :D


	2. Chapter 2

Ah~ chapter two, just to tie ends up. In case you're wondering why Alfred's being a bit of a bitch to England, Australia (or NSW) became a colony in 1770, which is about the time Americans decided they'd just about had enough of this "empire" crap. So, there you are. Enjoy.

* * *

"America?"

The afore mentioned stirred in his sleep, muttering.

"Alfred, mate?"

Waking slowly, he became vaguely aware of someone else in the room, and of dim candlelight, closing his eyes tight again.

"Bloody wake up."

An elbow jabbed his ribs and he finally complied, sitting up and rubbing his cheeks dazedly. "Wha…?" Wide, olive eyes were only inches from his nose, and he started.

"Sorry," apologised Zack, backing off a little. "Thanks," he whispered, looking quickly over his shoulder. When Alfred looked at him quizzically, he explained his edginess. "I think England's still awake. Anyway. You're a good mate."

"Don't mention it," grumbled Alfred, putting his head back down, wriggling into his sheets. He hated being woken up. "'Night."

"What did you do with him?"

"... Buried him," muttered the American from beneath his pillow. Okay, he liked the little guy, but honestly... he didn't really feel like describing how he scooped up the remains of a huge spider and coaxed them out of the kitchen...

"Really?! I thought you'd have thrown him out! Onya, Al!"

"Ssh," complained Matthew from the bed on the other side of the room.

"Sorry," repeated the little Australian, who was bouncing happily on his knees. "So we can go an' see him tomorrow?"

Alfred muttered a reply.

Zack squeaked loudly, about to shout his thanks, before Matthew cut across him.

"If you don't keep quiet, you won't be allowed to see him."

"Fine... still... _awesome_, thanks, mate," he grinned at Alfred.

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling groggily. "Bonzer."

Zack chuckled and leapt off the bed, looked both ways up and down the hall, and scurried to his own room.

--

"Wake up, you bloody lout."

... and for the second time that night, mere hours after his first nocturnal encounter, Alfred was rudely awakened. He groaned when sunlight invaded his bleary eyes. Oh wait, that meant it was morning... he stretched and sat up, before noticing Arthur sitting sheepishly beside the bed.

"What do you want?"

"If you're going to be like that, then..." the Englishman stood, taking the tray had been sitting on his lap, happening to pass it in front of Alfred's nose for just a second. A sweet, comfortable smell caressed his nostrils, and his empty stomach complained immediately.

"Wait... what have you got there?"

"Just some breakfast, I thought you'd be hungry. But since you can obviously get your own-"

"But it smells good," he pined. "It's not even burnt..." noticed Alfred as the food was sat in front of him.

"Yes, well... I got your brother to help."

Alfred froze just before putting a bite of a pancake into his mouth. "You mean Matt, right?" Arthur nodded, and he continued to eat.

"I think I owe you some thanks," he admitted awkwardly. "I didn't mean to- You see a spider, you kill it, you know?" Alfred nodded, unable to answer as his mouth was full, watching Arthur carefully. "I didn't mean to upset him so much, I didn't really want him to see-" Alfred nodded hurriedly again, swallowing forcefully.

"It was pretty bad," he said finally. "How many times did you hit it?"

"It was bloody huge!" cried Arthur, suppressing a smile when Alfred almost choked on his meal, laughing at him. "Shut up. Anyway. Thank you for taking the blame, is all I wanted to say."

"What do you mean, 'taking the blame'? It was my fault!"

"Please, Alfred. You were 'looking for something to read'? Do you think I've never met you?"

Alfred's mouth opened to retaliate, but he was beat. "Nicely played," he muttered. "I don't want him to hate you... anymore than he does."

Arthur smiled as he stood to leave. "Thank you."

"Because... you're not so bad, actually..." Alfred felt his cheeks burn as he looked up to meet Arthur's stare. "For, you know, a Brit."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say. Part of Arthur wanted to smack Alfred upside the head, tell him not to be so ungrateful, and a quieter, calmer, more matern- or rather paternal side of him... wanted to put the young man in front of him to bed with a warm drink and a story.

"I think I'll take that as a compliment and leave," he concluded, nodding and turning, closing the door behind him.

Alfred smiled. Okay, he hated England... the England that never listened to him, and made him pay tax to a government he had no say in, and ignored him, occasionally, in favour of another colony that was less hassle.

... but he loved the Arthur that cooked him breakfast after they had a fight.

--

"... and I didn't realise he was so important to you."

"He was like my pet," said Zach defiantly.

"Hey, Al," whispered Matthew from beside a doorframe, pulling his brother over. "Listen."

They put their ears against the wall to hear the conversation in the room.

"I know," sighed Arthur. "I'm really very sorry. Maybe you would like a pet that's... a bit less of an acquired taste?"

Pause. "I like Matt's bear! Can I get a bear?"

"That depends-"

"A koala!" shouted Zack. "Can I get a koala? Please?"

"I don't know..."

"But Matt's got a bear! A _bear_! Koalas are smaller and they don't eat meat! I know how to look after him and everything, I can look after anything, I'll even name him after-"

"Okay, okay," surrendered Arthur, and Matthew looked around at Alfred, with a very, "awwww" expression on his face. "Next time you're home, we'll find one that's well-behaved-"

"Bonzer!" squeaked the boy, throwing himself at his guardian, wrapping his arms around his neck. "He'll be good, he'll never be in the kitchen, dead cert! Aw, strewth, thanks, England!"

"That's quite all right... so, we're friends again?"

"You betcha!"

Canada and America had to jump back quick-sharp as a little Australian bundled out of the room and into their legs. He apologised to them loudly, and they rolled their eyes.

"Listening in, were you?" came Arthur's voice.

"... just a bit," admitted Alfred. "You love us, really, don't you?"

Arthur didn't reply, but both boys standing outside the door could almost feel the heat radiating off his cheeks.

--

"Welcome back," smiled Matthew, taking Zack's coat for him, admiring the little grey animal clinging to his arm, black eyes wide, observing. "Wow, that's your koala, eh?"

"Yup!" beamed Zach. "His mama didn't want him, so I'm gonna look after him. Ain't he a beut?"

"Definitely," agreed Matthew. "What did you name him?"

Zack looked around awkwardly just to make sure they were alone, then beckoned Matthew to bend over so he could speak quietly. The Canadian obliged, putting his ear beside the boy's mouth.

"I called 'im Artie."

And he picked up the koala from under its arms, swung it over onto his shoulder, where it sat quite comfortably once it had adjusted itself, grinned, and ran to his room.

* * *

DAMMIT AUSTRALIA YOU'RE TOO FCKN CUTE. Haha, I've seen his koala called "Artie" before, a few times, so it's not really original, but I thought it was a very sweet sentiment. I hope you all like England more now; really this chapter was only for him to redeem himself (which I think he did, with flying colours :D).

Anyway, R&R, dears ~


End file.
